I was going to name you as Dad in this post, but I just cannot do that. The name Dad is sacred and it is not something you ever took seriously. You treated Mom like shit, you endangered my life. You chose drugs and alcohol over my mom and I. Someone who does those things does not deserve the title of Dad. I have not seen you since I was 18 months old and my mom was finally able to get away from you. I don’t remember ANYTHING about you. Nor do I want to. You were the sperm that took part in creating me. That’s all.
As a child, I used to question so many things. Especially when I’d see other kids with their dads and I didn’t have one. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t you fight harder to stay in my life? Those thoughts continued on through middle school and high school. In high school the questions were mostly, why wasn’t I important enough for you to get yourself clean and sober? By the time you reached out to me in 2006, I was 20 years old and I had no desire to ever have any sort of contact with you.
But then my nephew was born. And then my niece and then another nephew. I realized that you were slowly getting back into the lives of my half siblings. Then another round of thoughts swirled around me. Why now? Why are you desperate to have a part in your grandchildren’s lives? Why are they seemingly more important than your eldest? Is it because I’m single & childless? Or, and I’m pretty sure this is the reason, is it because I have severe health issues that you don’t know how to deal with?
Every day, I have to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn’t call you back in 2006. I deleted your Facebook friend request. I want you to have no part in my life. Yes, I communicate with your sisters & nieces & nephews. I even communicate with my half siblings. You know why? They never endangered me. They never hurt my mom. They never left her in favor of other girls, drugs and alcohol. I refuse to punish them just because you are a shitty excuse for a human.
In your absence, I became an amazing person. I was raised by the best possible mom in the universe and you had no part in that. You can’t ever take credit for the way I turned out. My mom gets all the credit. She loved me, protected me and fought for me my entire life. Things you never did. I’m happy, well-adjusted and forever grateful to my mom for getting us away from you.
Father’s Day was, once again a forgettable day for me. It always is. It was a day that brought me a lot of sadness as a child, but as an adult, I’ve grown to indifference.I’m not going to lie and say, it never ever hurts, because it does. It sucks that he couldn’t love me enough to shape up and be there for me. It sucks that my mom had to go through so much with me. I wasn’t ready to write this letter until this morning. I also wasn’t sure I was going to post it, I’ve found it to be very cathartic. If you have an amazing dad in your life, be grateful for him every second of the day.