I’m not crazy

Get ready for a very personal post.

I recently read Every Last Word by Tamara Ireland Stone, and I wanted to talk more about my OCD/mental health issues. I didn’t really get into those issues in the review, but I wanted to expand on it.

I’ve had OCD for over fifteen years. It manifested itself in typical ways. I constantly moved things so they were in the right place. I washed my hands frequently. I figured it was because of my health issues. So I didn’t worry about it too much.

And then came the obsession with the number 16. That started right around my sixteenth birthday. Odd coincidence? Well that’s what I thought at the time.  Before I knew it, I would eat M&Ms in groups of sixteen. Pistachios, cashews and other snack types of foods would all be eaten in groups of 16. Anything else, I always did in groups of sixteens. Brushing my hair, teeth etc.

In 2005, I had my 5th open heart surgery and as per doctors orders, I met with a psychologist to make sure I was handling some post surgery complications okay. Then I talked to her about my obsessions that had been growing since I was sixteen. She just brushed it off as something not to be worried about.

After that, I really saw no reason to see another psychologist. I didn’t want to be told not to worry about this again.

My issues settled down for a long time. I would still have obsessions about various things, especially the number 16. I still washed my hands frequently, At dinnertime, I would eat one thing at a time. I hate, HATE when my food touches other foods.

But when the breakup happened last fall, everything came rushing back. Add to that, I was having symptoms of depression. I hated having those feelings. I hated KNOWING that my jackass ex had the power to make my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I went to therapy because I just wasn’t dealing with things well. I never mentioned my OCD issues. I mostly wanted to get help with my self-esteem issues.

The obsessions just got worse.

I just felt like I was crazy and that was terrifying for me.

But when I read Every Last Word, it felt like everything just clicked for me. The OCD issues started to make more sense. I started realizing that my obsessive thoughts & my constant overthinking were a part of OCD. I never even thought they could be.

That book was so helpful to me. It made me feel more comfortable with myself and my issues. It was more healing to me than I had ever expected it to be.

Most importantly, I learned that I’m not crazy.

A thousand thank yous to the amazing Tamara Ireland Stone for this book. I don’t think I could ever repay you for the healing that your book has given me.

2 thoughts on “I’m not crazy

  1. Ugh okay my computer crashed just as I went to post my comment so I hope this isn’t a duplicate. ANYWAY.

    I’m really glad this book was able to help you ❤ It's always so important when you can find yourself in a book and be helped by it!

    I'm sorry to hear about the psychologist; I know they're a hit and miss sort of thing. I wish you all the best in finding a better one, or learning coping skills on your own 🙂


  2. Girl, you a so brave to post this and be so public about it. *hugs* I really enjoyed Every Last Word. I don’t know what it is like to have OCD but it seemed super realistic about it. You have been able to make through all this and if you ever need anything, I am a DM away! 🙂



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