Top Ten (Okay Twenty) Diverse YA Contemporary Books

Top Ten Books I've Read So Far In 2015This feature is hosted by the ladies of The Broke and the Bookish.

Today’s prompt was all about celebrating diversity. Now, I’m all for that, so of course I had to jump right into it.

LGBT Books
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Not Otherwise Specified by Hannah Moskowitz
-There are so few bisexual main characters in books that I had to put this one on the list even though I haven’t finished it-
Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli
-My favorite LGBT book of the year so far. Simon & Blue were ADORABLE-
Far From You by Tess Sharpe
-One of my favorite books of 2014. Yet another bisexual main character-
Under the Lights (Daylight Falls #2) by Dahlia Adler
-I’ve heard that Van & Bri are all kinds of sexy, so I cannot wait to read this-
The Summer I Wasn’t Me by Jessica Verdi
-Still my favorite Jessica Verdi book. It was a hard book to read, but so, so important-
One Man Guy by Michael Barakiva
-I loved this book. It was different as there was a lot of emphasis on Armenian culture, which I loved-

Eating Disorders/OCD/Anxiety/Mental Illness Books
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Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson
-I have not read this one yet, but I have it out from the library right now. Hopefully I can get to it soon-
Paperweight by Meg Haston
-I absolutely adored this book. It was beautiful, heartbreaking and hopeful-
Every Last Word by Tamara Ireland Stone
-I have an e-ARC of this. I started to read it last month, but it was so triggering, I had to put it back down-
Made You Up by Francesca Zappia
-Utterly beautiful book. Captivating characters, story and loads of feels-
The Half Life of Molly Pierce by Katrina Leno
-One of my all time favorite books. It was awesome and heartbreaking-
My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga
-One of my favorite books of 2015. This book made me feel all the feels-

Books about Rape/Sexual Assault
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Pointe by Brandy Colbert
-This book is the book I routinely recommend to everyone. Such a gorgeous book-
All The Rage by Courtney Summers
-This book enraged me in the best possible way-
Fault Line by Christa Desir
-I adored this book, I think mostly because it didn’t end neatly. It showed a different side to what happens to rape victims-
Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson
-I need to read this book. I cannot believe I haven’t read it yet-
Faking Normal by Courtney C. Stevens
-One of my favorite books of 2014. It was beautiful, feelsy and heartwarming-

Books that feature disabled characters
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 Summer on the Short Bus by Bethany Crandell
-This book was so much fun. I related to it in a way I wasn’t expecting-
Say What You Will by Cammie McGovern
-I was thrilled to read this book. There really is so few books out there featuring physically disabled characters-
The Summer of Chasing Mermaids by Sarah Ockler
-I have not read this book yet, but I think I probably should. It does look like something I’d enjoy-

If you did a TTT post this week, be sure to leave me links so I can stop by your posts as well.

Trigger Monday

So earlier this week, there was a Twitter hashtag #noshameday focusing on breaking the silence on mental health issues. I shared a few things that have affected my own mental health, and I wanted to talk about them a bit more today.

My mom’s second marriage was a disaster right from the start. He was verbally abusive to me, my mom and my little brother. He would scream at me and my baby brother, and verbally demean my mom. Every time I spoke up for her, he would scream at me to shut up and that this was none of my business.

He was abusive to my mom. How the fuck could anyone expect me to be quiet about the way he was treating her?

I am forever grateful that she finally left the marriage. I was still living at home due to my own health issues, and when she left him, I went with her. That was never even a question in my mind. She was my mom, I loved her, and I was going to go with her. No matter what.

The past 4 1/2 years have been so goddamm peaceful. She is healthier, both physically and emotionally and I am healthier as well.

Every time someone yells or screams, even if it’s not mean sounding, my heart jumps into my throat, I start shaking and I shut down completely. I don’t need a doctor to tell me that this is PTSD.

I still have to see him sometimes. Usually I can avoid it. When he comes to pick up my brother, I hide in my room. I used to be embarrassed that I did that, but not anymore. If my brother has an event, I fight through it and make sure I am not sitting anywhere near him.

Now another one of my issues started 10 years ago, when I was getting an MRI. I had a full on panic attack due to feeling closed in. It’s not as bad now, but crowds can trigger it, elevators can trigger it (actually I’d consider an elevator my biggest trigger)

You guys all know that I ended a relationship last October. I’ve been doing so well that I didn’t expect to be affected by any sort of triggers. Until I found the hand towels he bought me with my favorite retired basketball players’ name on it. I just froze and then broke down into sobs. I had forgotten all about them.

Then I thought it would be a great idea to listen to Taylor Swift’s newest album. I absolutely adore the album and I never in a million years expected to be triggered by it. Usually it helps me feel better whenever I’m having a bad day.

But then, I heard this part of one of the songs:
I want you for worse or for better,
I would wait forever and ever (ever and ever),
Broke your heart, I’ll put it back together (together).
I would wait forever and ever (ever and ever).

And I basically lost it all over again. Because we were best friends for YEARS before we got together. He always swore I was the one, forever and that he wanted to marry me someday. It took me a long time to agree to date him because I did not want to mess up our friendship.

Forever and always was the one thing he always said to me.

I’ll probably write more about this at another time, but damn, I miss him so much. I miss how he knew me better than anyone else in the world. I miss how I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me. He knew I was bisexual, and he didn’t care. It didn’t matter to him.

Yet, I’m angry at him. So fucking angry with him. I loved him, I trusted him with my heart and he ripped my heart up into tiny unrecognizable pieces. How can someone you love, break your heart like this?

The idea of trusting anyone with my heart is so incredibly scary that I don’t think I can do it. My walls had always been down around him because I believed he would never hurt me.

I want to put the Berlin Wall around my heart.

Sometimes I don’t feel worthy of love. I don’t want to pull anyone into my life. I’ve got a lot of health issues, coupled with the anxiety, PTSD, who is going to love me?

I thought it was supposed to be Chris.

I don’t trust easily. I trust my immediate family and a handful of other people. Monday was just so full of triggers for me. Whether it was talking on Twitter, listening to music or looking for something in my closet.

I don’t know if I’m even going to post this.  It’s probably the most personal I’ve ever gotten on the blog.

If you’re seeing this, thanks for reading.