My Latest Music Obsession

By now, you all should know that music is one of my loves. I love all different types of music. Pretty much the only genre I won’t listen to is rap. I hate, HATE rap.

Recently, I fell in love with Halsey. So many of my blogging buddies were listening to Halsey, so I wanted to give her a shot.

And I LOVE her. Oh my god. If I could marry her, I would. I’ve been listening to her entire Badlands album nearly constantly. I don’t even think I could pick a favorite song.

Actually…

It’s a tossup between Ghost and Is There Somewhere. Or Castle, or Gasoline…

Oh hell, I love the entire fucking album.

It takes a really special artist for me to love the entire album. So way to go Halsey.

My fourteen year old brother and I normally never see eye to eye on music, but even HE loves Halsey. So awesome.

So if you haven’t heard of Halsey, you need to look into her and listen to her music. I swear after one song you’ll be hooked!

Unexpected Blogging Hiatus

Hi guys!

I am so sorry I haven’t been keeping the blog updated so far in October. I haven’t been feeling well at all. I’ll spare you guys the details, but needless to say, I haven’t had the energy to blog. I haven’t really had the energy to read either, so that’s the reason for hardly any activity on the blog.

I’m hoping to get back into blogging in the coming weeks as I have plenty of books that I need to read & review. So keep your eyes peeled for that and for other various activities on the blog.

This time of the year is my favorite so I hope I can start blogging again with more frequency.

I’m still blogging, I’m still here. Stick with me as I tackle this rough streak.

Bisexual Awareness Week

Happy Bisexual Awareness Week, guys!

When I was 17 years old, I was still in high school, a small, super religious high school. I’m sure I was not the only LGBT student there, but given how religious the school was, no one else was out of the closet. I didn’t know a lot about LGBT, but I did know that I was attracted to both men & women. I didn’t even know there was a name to it. I didn’t even know Bisexual was an actual word, let alone a label that I would later use for myself.

I stayed in the closet for about 5 years, until I was 22. I was trying to figure myself out and I really wanted to know who I was before I told anyone else. Not to mention, I knew I was going to be told I was going to hell by my super religious grandmother, and I wanted to wait to come out until I knew I could deal with that.

Taking a class on sexual orientation in college proved to be the best thing I could have done for myself. It helped me feel more confident, even though initially I was toying with telling people I was a lesbian instead of bisexual.

In the beginning, sometimes saying I was bisexual felt like I “couldn’t decide” or that “I wanted the best of both worlds” Both of those statements are often made by people who don’t understand bisexuality. I didn’t understand it in the beginning. It felt like I was undecided about my sexual orientation.

It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t undecided. That I was attracted to women and men and that there was nothing wrong with that.

You don't need to have relationships with both genders to know that you're attracted to both genders #BisexualAwarenessWeek

— Alexia (@alexiareads) September 21, 2015

The coming out process was incredibly hard. I had a childhood friend (who I no longer speak to for other reasons) basically tell me she always knew I wasn’t straight. Her parents were often like second parents to me, and they were totally accepting & they loved me no matter what. My family, on the other hand was divided, but thankfully my mom, who has been by my side through so much, supported & loved me even though she didn’t really understand bisexuality.

Just in time for this week, I got hit with another misconception. Two people I was interested in dating refused to date me because I am bisexual. They said that bisexuals are incapable of being faithful.

Getting really pissed off at people who think I'm more likely to cheat on a significant other because I'm bisexual.

— Alexia (@alexiareads) September 21, 2015

That was really hurtful, and I’m so grateful to the bloggers who stood up for me and reminded me that I deserve better and that it speaks to their ignorance.

I didn’t come out online for a very long time, and just this past June, I came out on Twitter to my fellow bloggers. I was met with overwhelming support and love that day and, again I am so grateful for that. Grateful that I’ve surrounded myself with good people.

To celebrate this week, Dahlia Adler wrote a post, recommending YA books celebrating bisexuality. There are several on this list that I didn’t even know about, so I know what I’ll be adding to my TBR. Here’s the post: YA Books Celebrating Bisexuality

Thank you for reading this post!

How Music Is Helping Me

I did one of these posts a long, long time ago, but I wanted to talk about it again.

Music has always been one of the loves of my life. Ever since the breakup, I’ve found solace in music. It’s helped me get my emotions out, it helped me feel more peaceful, more relaxed.

Ever since I started having problems with my knee a few weeks back, all the positive feelings about my ex have rushed back. Stupid I know, but he was my rock, my support and the person I wanted to spend my life with.

He was supposed to be the one to hold my hand through this.

Now he’s not around and I have to look to myself and my family to help me through whatever comes along with the knee injury.

Lately I’ve turned more and more to Taylor Swift and Adele for music. I can happily listen to the both of them for hours on end and they make me feel better, more relaxed.

Lately I’ve been drawn to Taylor Swift’s Begin Again. It hits me hard because I think I am finally ready to get back out there in the dating world.

I’m excited to begin again with someone else. Someone who truly deserves me.

My Reading & Blogging Slump

Hi guys!

These last few weeks have been difficult for me. I’ve had family issues and then an injury that I don’t remember how I got. Add that to health insurance issues and I’m desperate for this crap to be all over.

I want things to settle down for all of us.

Which leads me to want to talk a little bit about blogging. I’m struggling with my reading. I’ve been stuck on the same 3 books for about a month. Not because I’m not interested in the books, but I have lacked the desire to read. I know I have so many ARCs, library books, and books I own, to read, but I just cannot get excited about them.

I’ve been binge-watching FRIENDS and America’s Next Top Model instead of reading and it’s been really good for me.

I don’t think I’ll be doing a blog hiatus or anything, but I’m not going to force myself to blog if I don’t want to. If I have a day or a couple of days or even a week without a post, that’s okay! I don’t want to post something that I’m not totally excited about. The minute I start to do that, I gotta change something up about the way I blog.

The last thing I want to do is get bored by blogging. I love blogging and I do not plan on stopping anytime soon.

I’m not crazy

Get ready for a very personal post.

I recently read Every Last Word by Tamara Ireland Stone, and I wanted to talk more about my OCD/mental health issues. I didn’t really get into those issues in the review, but I wanted to expand on it.

I’ve had OCD for over fifteen years. It manifested itself in typical ways. I constantly moved things so they were in the right place. I washed my hands frequently. I figured it was because of my health issues. So I didn’t worry about it too much.

And then came the obsession with the number 16. That started right around my sixteenth birthday. Odd coincidence? Well that’s what I thought at the time.  Before I knew it, I would eat M&Ms in groups of sixteen. Pistachios, cashews and other snack types of foods would all be eaten in groups of 16. Anything else, I always did in groups of sixteens. Brushing my hair, teeth etc.

In 2005, I had my 5th open heart surgery and as per doctors orders, I met with a psychologist to make sure I was handling some post surgery complications okay. Then I talked to her about my obsessions that had been growing since I was sixteen. She just brushed it off as something not to be worried about.

After that, I really saw no reason to see another psychologist. I didn’t want to be told not to worry about this again.

My issues settled down for a long time. I would still have obsessions about various things, especially the number 16. I still washed my hands frequently, At dinnertime, I would eat one thing at a time. I hate, HATE when my food touches other foods.

But when the breakup happened last fall, everything came rushing back. Add to that, I was having symptoms of depression. I hated having those feelings. I hated KNOWING that my jackass ex had the power to make my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I went to therapy because I just wasn’t dealing with things well. I never mentioned my OCD issues. I mostly wanted to get help with my self-esteem issues.

The obsessions just got worse.

I just felt like I was crazy and that was terrifying for me.

But when I read Every Last Word, it felt like everything just clicked for me. The OCD issues started to make more sense. I started realizing that my obsessive thoughts & my constant overthinking were a part of OCD. I never even thought they could be.

That book was so helpful to me. It made me feel more comfortable with myself and my issues. It was more healing to me than I had ever expected it to be.

Most importantly, I learned that I’m not crazy.

A thousand thank yous to the amazing Tamara Ireland Stone for this book. I don’t think I could ever repay you for the healing that your book has given me.

Identifying Myself

Earlier this week, there was a biphobic article circulating around the blogosphere. I skimmed the article, getting madder and madder as I kept reading it. I finally had to stop reading it before my blood pressure skyrocketed.

I was eighteen when I first realized that I was attracted to both men and women. I had never considered the possibility that I was anything but straight. So it was a real eye-opener. I struggled with being bisexual for 5 years. I struggled mostly with what I thought I was rather than what I actually was.

I was 23 before I could even form the word “Bisexual”

I credit the Psychology of Sexual Orientation  class I took in the fall of 2008. That class helped me immensely. By the time I was finished with that class. I was so much more comfortable with who I was. I was comfortable being out as a bisexual woman. I felt so much better about myself. It may sound crazy, but I’m not sure I’d be out of the closet if I hadn’t taken that class. I was already out to a few members of my family before I took the class, but afterwards, I came out to everyone else.

It took me 5 years to be able to label  myself.. No labels aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, but I’m happy that I can call myself bisexual.

Bisexuality exists. I exist. The way I choose to identify myself is valid.

When I first came out, distant relatives and acquaintances told me that I couldn’t be bisexual because I’d never been with a woman.

I…Um…WHAT?

By that logic, virgins should be asexual.

It took me a really long time to be happy and comfortable with who I am. I refuse to let anyone try to make me feel invalid again.

Trigger Monday

So earlier this week, there was a Twitter hashtag #noshameday focusing on breaking the silence on mental health issues. I shared a few things that have affected my own mental health, and I wanted to talk about them a bit more today.

My mom’s second marriage was a disaster right from the start. He was verbally abusive to me, my mom and my little brother. He would scream at me and my baby brother, and verbally demean my mom. Every time I spoke up for her, he would scream at me to shut up and that this was none of my business.

He was abusive to my mom. How the fuck could anyone expect me to be quiet about the way he was treating her?

I am forever grateful that she finally left the marriage. I was still living at home due to my own health issues, and when she left him, I went with her. That was never even a question in my mind. She was my mom, I loved her, and I was going to go with her. No matter what.

The past 4 1/2 years have been so goddamm peaceful. She is healthier, both physically and emotionally and I am healthier as well.

Every time someone yells or screams, even if it’s not mean sounding, my heart jumps into my throat, I start shaking and I shut down completely. I don’t need a doctor to tell me that this is PTSD.

I still have to see him sometimes. Usually I can avoid it. When he comes to pick up my brother, I hide in my room. I used to be embarrassed that I did that, but not anymore. If my brother has an event, I fight through it and make sure I am not sitting anywhere near him.

Now another one of my issues started 10 years ago, when I was getting an MRI. I had a full on panic attack due to feeling closed in. It’s not as bad now, but crowds can trigger it, elevators can trigger it (actually I’d consider an elevator my biggest trigger)

You guys all know that I ended a relationship last October. I’ve been doing so well that I didn’t expect to be affected by any sort of triggers. Until I found the hand towels he bought me with my favorite retired basketball players’ name on it. I just froze and then broke down into sobs. I had forgotten all about them.

Then I thought it would be a great idea to listen to Taylor Swift’s newest album. I absolutely adore the album and I never in a million years expected to be triggered by it. Usually it helps me feel better whenever I’m having a bad day.

But then, I heard this part of one of the songs:
I want you for worse or for better,
I would wait forever and ever (ever and ever),
Broke your heart, I’ll put it back together (together).
I would wait forever and ever (ever and ever).

And I basically lost it all over again. Because we were best friends for YEARS before we got together. He always swore I was the one, forever and that he wanted to marry me someday. It took me a long time to agree to date him because I did not want to mess up our friendship.

Forever and always was the one thing he always said to me.

I’ll probably write more about this at another time, but damn, I miss him so much. I miss how he knew me better than anyone else in the world. I miss how I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me. He knew I was bisexual, and he didn’t care. It didn’t matter to him.

Yet, I’m angry at him. So fucking angry with him. I loved him, I trusted him with my heart and he ripped my heart up into tiny unrecognizable pieces. How can someone you love, break your heart like this?

The idea of trusting anyone with my heart is so incredibly scary that I don’t think I can do it. My walls had always been down around him because I believed he would never hurt me.

I want to put the Berlin Wall around my heart.

Sometimes I don’t feel worthy of love. I don’t want to pull anyone into my life. I’ve got a lot of health issues, coupled with the anxiety, PTSD, who is going to love me?

I thought it was supposed to be Chris.

I don’t trust easily. I trust my immediate family and a handful of other people. Monday was just so full of triggers for me. Whether it was talking on Twitter, listening to music or looking for something in my closet.

I don’t know if I’m even going to post this.  It’s probably the most personal I’ve ever gotten on the blog.

If you’re seeing this, thanks for reading.

My Transition

Deciding to make the transition from Blogger to WordPress was something I had been considering for several months. My initial plan was to wait until the issue of someone running up charges on my credit card was dealt with, but that doesn’t seem to be ending yet. So I decided to just switch over to WordPress, finagle my finances so I could afford the Premium WordPress plan, and then later, upgrade to self hosted.

I swore the hardest part was going to be transferring all my old posts from Blogger to WordPress, but that was actually the EASIEST part!!!

Now the layout was the most stressful part to me. I had an idea of exactly how I wanted it to look, but nothing was standing out to me. Nothing was fitting EXACTLY what I wanted, so I basically spent the entirety of Sunday picking my theme and then customizing it. It even spilled over into Monday because I am so picky, and so type A.

So even though people were offering to help, I am such a control freak, I never would have accepted ANYONE’s help.

I am still worried about never getting my followers to find me over here since I couldn’t afford to do self hosted and bring my followers over here, but I figure, people will find me eventually.

Thanks for all your support, guys!

2 Year Blogging Anniversary

How has it been 2 years since I started book blogging? 

24 months ago I decided to start blogging about books. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I didn’t know half of the thing I know now.

I don’t make friends easily. Maybe its because of my age, maybe it’s because I can be really blunt & honest to people. Maybe I’m just not the type of person that is able to keep friendships going. Maybe I just don’t have that ability. Yet with blogging, it’s easier. We have different lives, but we all connect through our love of books & reading.

If I could tell my newbie book blogging self something, I’d tell myself not to force things. Either friendships or reading certain books. I’d tell myself not to overthink things. I’d tell myself to be selective in the books I choose to review, and the blog tours I get invitations for.

There are so many amazing book bloggers who I’ve befriended, who’ve been there for me in my darkest times. So many authors who have done the same thing. I usually don’t get overly sentimental, but thank you to those bloggers and those authors who’ve accepted me, cared about me and have believed in me when I didn’t always believe in myself. 

Kat, Bekka, Lyn, Kara, Pixie, Meredith, Kayla & Stacie among so many others have supported me, loved me and cared about me. So many of you offered to chase down my cheating ex with pitchforks, so many of you have listened to me as my heart was breaking over the whole situation. So many of you have been on my side, fighting in my corner as I got rejected for job after job after job. I’d be lost without you all. Thank you for caring about me.

The authors have been equally amazing, kind and generous. Corey Ann, we bonded over our love of cheese and now I think of you whenever I eat cheese. Jessica Verdi, your kindness won’t soon be forgotten. Neither will your gorgeous books. Brandy Colbert, Becky Albertalli, Courtney C. Stevens, I fell in love with your books and have championed the heck out of them. Your kindness made it easy for me to fall in love with your books. There are so many other authors that have invaded my cynical heart. Thank you to each and every one of you.

I’ve made no secret about the fact that I’m working on some WIPs. I’ve had so much support for these as well. Kat, Bekka, Stormy, I’d be lost without your support. I started working on a LGBT NA that Dahlia Adler in particular has been hugely supportive of. A million thank yous to Dahlia for encouraging me to write it. 

Thank you to this awesome community for embracing me 2 years ago. I am incredibly lucky to know so many awesome people.