The Healing Process

Hi guys!

So this is going to be a very personal post. You guys were aware that I was engaged and shortly after I posted my love story on this very blog, things very abruptly ended between us. I learned that he had cheated on me and that it was something that had been going on for several weeks. From the beginning of our relationship, I told him that cheating was one of my biggest deal-breakers and if he EVER cheated on me, I’d be gone. No second chances, no discussion.

He broke my heart into a thousand tiny pieces that day and I took to Twitter to unload my heartbreak and disgust. Thank you to all of my awesome Twitter followers who let me vent and listened to me.

Telling my family was brutal and I never want to go through that again. My uncle and I have been known to get into political spats, but when he heard the news, he was completely ready to haul off and slug the guy. I love my grandmother, but she wanted me to try and work it out like she attempted to many years ago. She insisted that it had to be a mistake, but when I told her that no guy repeatedly “accidentally” falls into a woman, she cringed and dropped the subject. I loved my mom even more for her response. She hugged me, let me cry and then told me she would take care of calling the vendors for me.

I’m not the type to keep silent when I’m upset, I talk about it, I rant about it and that’s what I’ve been doing on Twitter occasionally, since this happened. I know a lot of people are the complete opposite of me, but thank you for not trying to get me to shut up.

When this first happened, I purged everything that he had given me, plus pictures of the two of us. Every time I found something that reminded me of him or us as a couple, I crumpled. The gorgeous engagement ring he gave me has been sold, and I gave the money to my mom who needs it more than I do right now. I spent nights reading, and binge watching Netflix with some BBQ chips beside me. I don’t have a lot of friends, so I really just spent a lot of time alone or with family.

My grandmother has already started bugging me to start dating again, but I’m just not ready and I’ve told her that more times than I can count. She desperately wants to see me married and settled, but right now I just want to enjoy being single. I don’t want to rush into anything.

Recently, I also had to cut ties with his family. That was hard because they are wonderful people. I had grown very close to his mom & sister especially, so cutting them out was hard. But after his sister told me last week (or maybe it was the week before) that he had knocked up the girl he cheated on me with, I couldn’t keep talking to her. Thankfully she understood, and wished me luck. Saying goodbye to his sister & mom was actually harder than saying goodbye to him because they hadn’t technically done anything wrong.

Cheating is awful, cowardly and disgusting. I have no sympathy for cheaters. I save my sympathy for the poor people that are cheated on. We didn’t ask to be cheated on. We didn’t ask to have our hearts shattered, and trust destroyed. 

If a relationship is no longer working for you, then have the courage and decency to break up before you start seeing other people.

If you have a friend who was recently cheated on and the relationship has ended, be there to support them. Don’t try to convince them to “get back out there” They will reenter the dating world when they are ready to do so. If you have a friend who was cheated on, but elected to stay in the relationship, be a friend and don’t impart your opinions on them staying in the relationship unless expressly asked.

Healing is a process. In my case, it’s going to be a slow process. I don’t trust easily, but I trusted him and I loved him and he betrayed my trust and shattered my heart. Something like that takes awhile to heal from and there’s always the chance that I won’t fully heal from this emotional upheaval. 

I only ask that you all keep me in your thoughts as I continue to navigate this pathway of life.

Thanks for reading, everyone.

My Love Story- Or How I Got Past the Fear

Hi everyone, I know I promised some of you that I would share my love story. I had an open space on the blog today, so I decided to tell the story of how my fiance and I met and fell in love. This actually was inspired by Jamie’s post recently.
It wasn’t some love at first sight thing. That would have been really weird considering the fact that we were only kids when we first met. I was ten and he was eight. We met at this group for kids in wheelchairs. At the time, I only used my wheelchair sparingly, but he used his a lot more. We remained friends for a long time, but nothing ever really happened between us. I think we were both terrified of losing our friendship.
It was the day after Christmas in 2002 when he asked me out for the first time. We did go out for about six weeks, but then he proposed to me. Yeah, I was sixteen & he was fourteen and he proposed. I freaked out and ended it. I had goals and dreams and getting engaged in high school was not something I wanted.
Two years later we found ourselves drawn back to each other. He and his family came to my high school graduation, I introduced him as my boyfriend and we were excited to give this another try. That didn’t last long. About a month later, I broke it off with him. I wanted to start college single and I had high hopes that I would meet someone there.
In 2006, I was invited to his high school graduation as well as the graduation party his family was hosting. I went because we were old friends and he had come to mine. I thought it was important that I go.
We didn’t speak again for four years.
In March 2010, his mother contacted my mom to tell her that his longtime girlfriend died while awaiting a heart transplant. I contacted him to express my condolences and from that point on, we were in frequent contact. 
January 2011, my mom left an abusive marriage and since I was still living at home, I went with her. Chris was a wonderful source of support for me and he was wonderfully sweet and kind to my mom and to my brother, who was ten at the time.
We didn’t start seeing each other again until July 2011. I was absolutely terrified to go through this cycle again. I respected him too much to do this to him again. So we moved very slowly and for that, I thank him. Not a lot of guys would be as patient with me as he was.
Marriage has always been something I wanted, but I’ve never really had any marriage role models. My mom’s been married & divorced twice (both assholes) My grandmother is on her 3rd marriage and my uncle has yet to be married at all. I have very little contact with my bio dad’s family, but I know out of all of them, only one couple has managed to stay married (they celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary this week) So I was frightened that I didn’t have what it takes to make a marriage work. Chris’s parents have been together for 30 years and no one in his family has been divorced.
When my mom suffered a work injury last September, he called or texted me every day to see how she was doing. He was always willing to do something to help us out. Even if he just ordered dinner for us and had it delivered.
It took 8 months for my mom to actually have surgery on her injury. 8 months of worrying how we were gonna pay the bills. 8 months of her being in constant pain. That also included an unlawful termination by her (now) former employer. Through it all, Chris stuck by me, supported me and cared for me. I could not have asked for more.
The day of her surgery, we had to be there at 10:30a.m. Without even asking me, Chris showed up at the surgery center with a coffee for me and some herbal tea for my grandmother. I remember looking at him when we were sitting in the waiting room and I just knew. This was it. He was the one I wanted to spend forever with. I told him I loved him on that day.
He asked my mom for her blessing to marry me two weeks later, even though it wasn’t really necessary. It was something he wanted to do, so I didn’t argue. We went out, we searched for a ring. I picked out my top 3 and he picked out the actual ring. He popped the question over Chinese food and a movie. So completely US. Simple, unflashy and private.
We set our wedding date for October 10th, 2015

Reading For Fun

As a book blogger, I have so many opportunities to read books early. While it’s a wonderful thing that I feel so lucky to be able to do, it’s also hard because I no longer have the time to read the books I really want to read. I have schedules to think about, deadlines to meet and publishers to connect with. While I do love what I do, I sometimes have to put the brakes on things and admit that I’ve had enough and that I desperately need to throw away schedules and deadlines.

And sometimes I just need to read some “me” books for awhile. No matter how many review books I have waiting for me. No matter the deadline or the schedules. Reading books just for me allows me to remember how much I love reading a book with no review expectations. It’s freeing and definitely something I still enjoy.

Recently, I got a new library card and have been reading only my library books for the past week and a half. It has been truly awesome to read books just for me. I thought it would stress me out not reading review copies, but it hasn’t. Actually it’s made me more excited to read upcoming books. I haven’t stopped loving to read, but the excitement had definitely faded recently as my review list has grown steadily. Reading books just for me has actually succeeded in reducing my stress, which I think is totally awesome.

Book bloggers are often under a lot of pressure. Pressure to read, read, read and then to review, review, review. Not to mention building and keeping contacts with publishers & authors. And for most of us, we do this for fun. Most of us have jobs, school & other obligations. Book blogging isn’t all we do and we aren’t just book bloggers. We have a life outside of this fun hobby.

So, remember that it’s okay to break from your reading schedule to read a book just for you. If you need to throw out a schedule sometime to get your reading mojo back, just do it.

Love I’ve Found In You

If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll probably have seen news that wedding bells are ringing for me.

Chris and I are incredibly happy together and we recently ramped up our discussions on marriage. I’ve had some issues with commitment (issues that Chris has been incredibly supportive in helping me deal with) Issues that have plagued me for a very long time. Issues that made me question if I was really marriage material. Marriage had scared me for a very long time, but I now look forward to spending the rest of my life with Chris.

We’ve decided that I will pick 3 rings that I love and then it’s all on him. He knows that there’s no rush to propose. I know it’s coming soon and that’s all I need to know. I always thought I needed to have my hands in all parts of the proposal, but I don’t. I’m not as much of a control freak as I thought I was. Chris is a romantic and while I could certainly learn some of this romance stuff, I’m happy to leave it up to him.

He loves me and I love him.

Here are the three rings I need to choose from. I don’t know how I will choose between them.

 This ring is beautiful. When I first started looking for rings, I had this one in my mind. I thought for sure this one would be it. 
 This ring was not something I was expecting to love, but I actually did love it. This was Chris’s favorite too.
This ring was totally up my alley and although I did love it, I wasn’t expecting to fall for a ruby stone. However, red is Chris’s favorite color so maybe that means something.

So I really have a tough choice to make. Chris just wants me to be happy, no matter which one I choose. I never expected to have such a hard time choosing a ring to wear forever. Engagement rings are a very personal thing and I really don’t want to chose “wrong” I do love them all, so I don’t think I can choose wrong.

I cannot wait to fill you all in on my official engagement story and to show off the ring I chose.

Dear Sperm Donor

I was going to name you as Dad in this post, but I just cannot do that. The name Dad is sacred and it is not something you ever took seriously. You treated Mom like shit, you endangered my life. You chose drugs and alcohol over my mom and I. Someone who does those things does not deserve the title of Dad. I have not seen you since I was 18 months old and my mom was finally able to get away from you. I don’t remember ANYTHING about you. Nor do I want to. You were the sperm that took part in creating me. That’s all.
As a child, I used to question so many things. Especially when I’d see other kids with their dads and I didn’t have one. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t you fight harder to stay in my life? Those thoughts continued on through middle school and high school. In high school the questions were mostly, why wasn’t I important enough for you to get yourself clean and sober? By the time you reached out to me in 2006, I was 20 years old and I had no desire to ever have any sort of contact with you.
But then my nephew was born. And then my niece and then another nephew. I realized that you were slowly getting back into the lives of my half siblings. Then another round of thoughts swirled around me. Why now? Why are you desperate to have a part in your grandchildren’s lives? Why are they seemingly more important than your eldest? Is it because I’m single & childless? Or, and I’m pretty sure this is the reason, is it because I have severe health issues that you don’t know how to deal with?
Every day, I have to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn’t call you back in 2006. I deleted your Facebook friend request. I want you to have no part in my life. Yes, I communicate with your sisters & nieces & nephews. I even communicate with my half siblings. You know why? They never endangered me. They never hurt my mom. They never left her in favor of other girls, drugs and alcohol. I refuse to punish them just because you are a shitty excuse for a human. 
In your absence, I became an amazing person. I was raised by the best possible mom in the universe and you had no part in that. You can’t ever take credit for the way I turned out. My mom gets all the credit. She loved me, protected me and fought for me my entire life. Things you never did. I’m happy, well-adjusted and forever grateful to my mom for getting us away from you.
Father’s Day was, once again a forgettable day for me. It always is. It was a day that brought me a lot of sadness as a child, but as an adult, I’ve grown to indifference.I’m not going to lie and say, it never ever hurts, because it does. It sucks that he couldn’t love me enough to shape up and be there for me. It sucks that my mom had to go through so much with me. I wasn’t ready to write this letter until this morning. I also wasn’t sure I was going to post it, I’ve found it to be very cathartic. If you have an amazing dad in your life, be grateful for him every second of the day.

Life Of A Blogger: Plans For The Future

Life Of A Blogger is hosted by Jessi of Novel Heartbeat. It is a way that we can let our readers know a little more about us outside of our blogs.

So I’m currently staring at the topic for today and I was hoping that the answer would just pop magically into my head. But no it hasn’t.

Ten years ago I had plans, I was happy and in love and ready to start college and eventually make my way to law school and eventually marry my high school sweetheart. Well that didn’t happen. Ever since then, I’ve had problems committing to a career, going as far as changing my major more times than I care to admit. Ideally I’d love to be a writer & also open a cat sanctuary for abandoned & abused cats. Realistically, my plans are to move out of my mom’s house and into my own house.

But to even do that, I have to get a job. It’s hard to break into the workforce after a long time of attending school & not working. I have been turned down for 3 jobs since I started looking. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking and it makes me feel crappy about myself. I know that it shouldn’t, but it does. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough. I’ve had that feeling often enough in my personal life that I don’t ever want to feel that way again.

Of course, given that today is Valentine’s Day, I want to make more room in my heart for love.I have a very frustrating habit of self-destructing in relationships and running away so fast that it would make your head spin. My plan was always to be married by age 30. As it stands right now, someone would literally have to fall in my lap right now for that to happen.

Last year at this time, I had reconnected romantically with my high school sweetheart (we had remained friends for the last 10 years) I was happy and hopeful for our future together, but of course I panicked and left the relationship. There was nothing about him I didn’t like. He was perfect on paper, but I was terrified to screw up again.

So I guess you could say that my plans for now are to get a job, stop running away from love and move out of my mom’s house. Decent goals & plans but ones that I had hoped I would have managed years ago. But I guess, now is better than never right?

So what are your plans for the future?