Trigger Monday

So earlier this week, there was a Twitter hashtag #noshameday focusing on breaking the silence on mental health issues. I shared a few things that have affected my own mental health, and I wanted to talk about them a bit more today.

My mom’s second marriage was a disaster right from the start. He was verbally abusive to me, my mom and my little brother. He would scream at me and my baby brother, and verbally demean my mom. Every time I spoke up for her, he would scream at me to shut up and that this was none of my business.

He was abusive to my mom. How the fuck could anyone expect me to be quiet about the way he was treating her?

I am forever grateful that she finally left the marriage. I was still living at home due to my own health issues, and when she left him, I went with her. That was never even a question in my mind. She was my mom, I loved her, and I was going to go with her. No matter what.

The past 4 1/2 years have been so goddamm peaceful. She is healthier, both physically and emotionally and I am healthier as well.

Every time someone yells or screams, even if it’s not mean sounding, my heart jumps into my throat, I start shaking and I shut down completely. I don’t need a doctor to tell me that this is PTSD.

I still have to see him sometimes. Usually I can avoid it. When he comes to pick up my brother, I hide in my room. I used to be embarrassed that I did that, but not anymore. If my brother has an event, I fight through it and make sure I am not sitting anywhere near him.

Now another one of my issues started 10 years ago, when I was getting an MRI. I had a full on panic attack due to feeling closed in. It’s not as bad now, but crowds can trigger it, elevators can trigger it (actually I’d consider an elevator my biggest trigger)

You guys all know that I ended a relationship last October. I’ve been doing so well that I didn’t expect to be affected by any sort of triggers. Until I found the hand towels he bought me with my favorite retired basketball players’ name on it. I just froze and then broke down into sobs. I had forgotten all about them.

Then I thought it would be a great idea to listen to Taylor Swift’s newest album. I absolutely adore the album and I never in a million years expected to be triggered by it. Usually it helps me feel better whenever I’m having a bad day.

But then, I heard this part of one of the songs:
I want you for worse or for better,
I would wait forever and ever (ever and ever),
Broke your heart, I’ll put it back together (together).
I would wait forever and ever (ever and ever).

And I basically lost it all over again. Because we were best friends for YEARS before we got together. He always swore I was the one, forever and that he wanted to marry me someday. It took me a long time to agree to date him because I did not want to mess up our friendship.

Forever and always was the one thing he always said to me.

I’ll probably write more about this at another time, but damn, I miss him so much. I miss how he knew me better than anyone else in the world. I miss how I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me. He knew I was bisexual, and he didn’t care. It didn’t matter to him.

Yet, I’m angry at him. So fucking angry with him. I loved him, I trusted him with my heart and he ripped my heart up into tiny unrecognizable pieces. How can someone you love, break your heart like this?

The idea of trusting anyone with my heart is so incredibly scary that I don’t think I can do it. My walls had always been down around him because I believed he would never hurt me.

I want to put the Berlin Wall around my heart.

Sometimes I don’t feel worthy of love. I don’t want to pull anyone into my life. I’ve got a lot of health issues, coupled with the anxiety, PTSD, who is going to love me?

I thought it was supposed to be Chris.

I don’t trust easily. I trust my immediate family and a handful of other people. Monday was just so full of triggers for me. Whether it was talking on Twitter, listening to music or looking for something in my closet.

I don’t know if I’m even going to post this. ┬áIt’s probably the most personal I’ve ever gotten on the blog.

If you’re seeing this, thanks for reading.